For the past two months the feeling of being spiritually dry has overtaken all aspects of my life. It has especially affected my relationship with the Lord. I found myself having a hard time doing my daily devotions and prayer time. I felt like a part of me lost my passion in knowing God more. My heart and my mind was empty and as much as I want to win God back, the urge of being world-centered has gotten stronger and harder. God knows how desperate I am to be in fellowship with Him again.
Looking back to a year ago, I have already been in this same situation. It took me almost six months to go running back to Him and I never thought that I’d be in the same situation again. I know that some of you will say that I should know better, since I’ve already been here before. But if you were in my situation, you’ll see that it’s much harder going back the second time around. The urge of the flesh is stronger, more disobedient that it’s become much harder to be in His presence again. The road just seems blurry. There were nights where I just poured out my heart to God and cried out to Him in desperation. And it seems as if God chooses to be silent because here I am, feeling hopeless, talking into a cave and all my words are just bouncing back to me. But then, in one of my devotions, God revealed to me all His reasons and hindrances.
Yes! I’ll be bold and brave enough to tell you that I am struggling with sin right now. I am pursuing an ungodly relationship with someone from another faith. I guess I’m just rushing to get into a relationship again that I never really took the time to think of the effects that it will bring to my life. And as the verse says “one sin will lead into other sin” It perfectly described what happened to me. I started to lie to others. I kept on saying that I had a better relationship with God right now and I wasn’t experiencing any major problems. I just wanted everyone to see that I was OK! Every weekend that I didn’t go to church, I would tell a little lie of having a prior commitment on that day. I excluded myself from fellowship with other believers because a part of me felt that I was unworthy to talk about God. I tried so hard to show people that God and I were in better terms right now even if we weren’t.
As a Christian Believer it is expected of you that you mature in faith as you go along. But what if one day you suddenly feel like you’re not growing anymore? I’ve been a Christian for almost three years, serving in ministry for two, but every time I face trials and find myself in crucial situations, I always end up on the losing end of my faith. I am insecure of other believers especially those Christian friends who have been with me at the start of my journey with the Lord. I saw how they to act in faith and obedience as they walk with the Lord. I know I should focus on the Lord and not on others, but I can’t help but get jealous on how strong their faith is.
A.W. Tozer said “The true follower of Christ will not ask, “If I embrace this truth, what will it cost me?” Rather he will say, “This is truth. God help me to walk in it, let come what may!”
Yes of course! I agree with Tozer, but there are times when obedience becomes impossible, especially when the root of your disobedience is sin. “I know what to do, I know how and I know when” – this has always been my line whenever I’m in a situation that requires an act of obedience with the Lord. But sometimes I feel that the Spirit is willing but the flesh is weak. I know this is because of the sin that is hindering me from obeying the Lord. I know that I need to take that first step of faith to obey God and I really need to stand firm on what the Lord says is truth and not just what I believe in.
Just like in a race, I feel like I am running and suddenly experience cramps but instead of running, I just stop and wait until the cramps have healed. But I don’t have assurance when the pain will fade. This is my ongoing battle and I have hope that time will come when I’ll be able to be in His fellowship again All I know now is, I really miss God, I miss the intimacy, I miss my time with Him, I miss the fellowship and most especially His love.